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It’s not been an easy year being funny. In a year 2020 that will be characterized by poor farmer-friendly weather, pandemics and the 60th. However, Jeremy Clarkson has managed to maintain the humor that makes him the most famous auto journalist in the world.
And due to the fact that deliveries of cars in the press stopped for a few months during the coronavirus lockdown, he talked about a lot more than just horsepower, his hatred of electric cars and how Vauxhall is the most boring automaker in the world World is world. Indeed, we saw a whole new genre of Clarkson jokes with his agriculture column in the Sunday Times Magazine.
« The only reason you’d buy a G-Wagen is it’s full fat, and you won’t get that from a diesel. What do you say about yourself: that you care about the planet? « Really? » So you bought a 2½ ton tank that runs on fuel that kills old ladies in their beds? You might as well try to win your hearts and minds by holding a world turtle choking competition. ”
“Until recently, public school students who wanted to practice the art of the sick and catch chlamydia at the same time graduated from high school and drove straight to the Cornish fishing port of Newquay.
“This meant that each summer the city became a mass of limp-haired Humphreys and jiggling young Humphreyettas emerging from their underwear into the dizzyingly complex world of a drink-obsessed northern European adult. BMW M8 Competition Coupé test, 26. January
« When I am delayed by forces beyond my control – by which I mean my friend Lisa – I start to shudder. I have panic attacks. I’m standing at the front door, sweat is running down my forehead and begging her to please hurry up. She will try to explain that when people throwing a dinner party say eight o’clock, it means 20 past. But I don’t understand. If they meant 20 past, they would have said 20 past. One day the pressure will make me swoon. ”
« To try to make the plan look modern and wake up, they told us that traveling would be completed faster using the hard shoulder in heavy traffic and that it would be good for the environment. And of course everyone got involved, because anything that is good for the environment is good, period. If they told us murder was good for the environment, we’d all come to our neighbour’s house with a baseball bat. Skoda Kamiq review, 16. February
“Without permission, I decided to check out the new Lamborghini Diablo instead. So I booked the luxurious Lucknam Park Hotel near Bath as the setting and the nearby Castle Coombe race track as the location. For props, I got a Miura and two Countachs, and for a soundtrack, I brought my collection of Bad Company albums.
« I can still remember the editor’s face when he saw what I had done. Horror didn’t even start reporting on it. As he sat and watched the crazy camera angles achieved by attaching new Pulnix mini cameras to poles, it was like watching someone murder his dog. Mazda CX-30 Review, Jan.. February
« I’m having a similar global search for a better Benedict egg than the one I got at what was then the Regent Hotel in Hong Kong in 1988. So far there are no dice. Nobody gets the simplicity right. Simplicity is always the key to my enjoyment of food. That’s why I never use cheese in cooking unless I’m making cheese on toast or a cheese sandwich. This is because cheese is a strong flavor that sits in the pan like the Russian President sits in a room full of diplomats from former Soviet states. It’s the same with bacon. Pop that into the mix and what you always end up with is something that tastes like bacon
« I recently used a sat nav which, for reasons known only to the idiot who programmed it, I think is better off avoiding the M4 and going through the 14th grade instead. Century to travel. « . After securing for an hour to let oncoming ox carts pass, I knew it was nonsense. Hyundai i10 review, Aug.. March
« Since the beginning of the automobile era, it has been argued that if an automaker wins on the track on a Sunday afternoon, its sales in the showrooms on Monday morning will increase. fair enough. Who recently won the Bathurst 12 hour race in Australia?
« You don’t know, do you? I was trying to figure out how many types of motorsports there are around the world the other day, and it’s almost impossible. There are sure to be thousands, and each one has its own rules and regulations. No one could be expected to follow them all. Most of us actually only follow one thing: Formula 1. That’s why we all drive to work in our Red Bulls every day.
“Occasionally a new“ thing ”pops into our consciousness, like the British Touring Car Championship in the 1990s. That was enormous. And nowadays more and more people are drawn to Formula E who want to watch milk swimmers in parking lots in the city center. ”
“This was an idea that Ferruccio developed well with the car that replaced the Miura: the Countach.
« Designed so that no human could fit in, it had steering in concrete, the type of clutch God launches galaxies with, and the all-round visibility of a mailbox. But 1971 came with the impact on the world that an Apache gunship would have had at the Battle of Hastings. It was the ultimate figurehead, a trailblazer for Farrah Fawcett-Majors’ right nipple and the Athena tennis girl. ”
“The Citroën CX was a comfortable, spacious and very good looking car. But they were fools. And all you knew was that it had been hurled in a factory with 101 toilets and a carpeted floor that wasn’t screwed on properly. That’s why you bought a Volvo instead.
“Other French cars that I didn’t want but still liked are the Peugeot 504 convertible, the Peugeot 205 GTI, the Renault Fuego Turbo and the mid-engine Renault Clio, although that was even more nonsense than the big Citroën. The tropic was so large that it took all of Canada to do a U-turn.
« All of the other thousands and thousands of cars they made were boring school trips designed for French motorists who really just needed something to create parking space. They were just bumpers with engines. Renault Clio Review 05. April
“Cars need to have a sense of space. You need to know where they were made because then you can understand why they are the way they are. A Ferrari is obviously Italian. A Honda is obviously Japanese. A Vauxhall is obvious. . . nothing at all. It’s car wallpaper paste.
« . . . And, oh my god, the people who drive them. Whenever someone comes up the drive to my farm in a pickup truck, I know that he or she will be arriving to do a job. Shepherds. fencing. Bulldozing. Tractoring. And when someone comes up the driveway in a Vauxhall, I know someone from the government will be holding them up.
« I’m not kidding. When I see a badge coming into the yard, I dive into a mud container to escape because it’s always someone with a clipboard and an expense report point and has an encyclopedic knowledge of the obscure rule I just turned. I don’t remember what my teachers got on, but I bet everyone who pestered that enforcing the top button done rule had Vivas. ”Vauxhall Corsa Review, Dec.. April
In February, which was a different time of course, I spent a morning at the accountant’s and then decided I wanted a new car. I spent the next day with a guy from Bentley, selecting options and holding leather samples up to the light. It was very exciting. But now I have to think about other, bigger things, e.g.. B.. : Will I be dead soon?
I used to be mildly asthmatic, smoked three quarters of a million cigarettes and had pneumonia. If you are reading this, I will be 60 years old. So if I get infected with the virus and have to go to the hospital, I’ll be driven right past the ventilators and thrown in the trash can.
« You will certainly get a lot of technology. It has the same « hybrid synchronous motor » as BMW for the i3. This means – be careful – that within the rotor concept you get the effect of permanent magnets combined with something called « reluctance ». . This reduces the need for rare earth neodymium, which means the rotor can spin faster. I can see why James May likes electric cars so much. For him, this type of conversation goes far beyond the erotic. It’s filth. ”
« It’s huge. Even the front tires are bigger than me. You’ll need to climb a four-step ladder to reach the door handle, then climb a little more to get into the cabin, and then back up to get into the seat. It is so big, in fact, that it won’t fit in my barn. So I had to build a new one. Every single type of farmer who’s seen it says the same thing.
« That’s too big, » they say with a rural jerk on the flat cap. « But in my eyes, tractors are like penises. You can’t be too big. ”
“Recently there was a brouhaha about an airplane load of Romanians who had come here to pick vegetables. « We don’t want their diseases, » said people in tracksuits. « And why can’t the jobs be given to real English people? »
“Hmm. Farmers have been shouting for weeks about how their vegetables will die if an army can’t be raised to pick them. They asked « real » English people to break their sagging asses and help, but other than a couple of middle-class parents who signed Giles on their hands and knees for a week, the response has been pathetic. Farmer Clarkson, 24. May
« My sheep immediately clocked me as a guy who ate too many cookies. So if I had to move them from one field to another, they did exactly as they were told. Then they would wait for me to close the gate and go home before jumping over the wall back into the first field. Did you know they can jump? Trust me on this point: if a sheep tried to tease you, it could win the Grand National.
« . . . They are constantly looking for weaknesses in the fences. You keep an eye on my routines. And I’m damn sure they’ll imperceptibly turn one of the cross-country fences into a rudimentary vaulting horse. And not because they want to get out. You are in the best field with the best grass. They just want to get out on the street so they can be hit by a bus and burst. ”
« People who walk in the country get it in their heads that it is a sport, like deep-sea diving and ice hockey. They therefore believe that she needs special clothing. « . But it’s not a sport. It’s a pastime like cricket or scrabble. That said, you can do it in a suit or swimming trunks. You don’t need ski poles or materials that make noises when you walk, and you definitely don’t need to tuck your pants in your socks. ”
« . . . Soon I saw some wildlife. It was a fat ginger boy in an anorak walking through the middle of a field of spring barley.
« Please don’t do this, » I said as he approached. « What are you going to do about it? » He replied. We discussed the possibilities of shooting him or punching him in the face with a spade, and pretty soon things got pretty hot. Farmer Clarkson, Jan.. June
“When you enter a small and unimportant country, you will need to fill out a selection of extremely detailed customs and immigration forms. And never, not once, in 30 years of traveling, have I ever filled one properly.
« . . . Over the years I’ve been Roger Daltrey, the King of Norway, Mickey Mouse, and every single one of the Mercury astronauts. All cities in Kent and once Buckingham Palace were my birthplace. I am three, 17 and 149 years old. I was even a woman. And not once have I ever been caught.
« However, when it comes to filling out UK Government agricultural forms, there can be no clutter. You have to do it right, so when you were in the garden enjoying the sunshine, I was in your office and came up with new and interesting ways to peel the Minister of Agriculture. ”
« When you have a chainsaw in hand, you are the most powerful person in the room. Politely ask Elon Musk to sell you a controlling stake in Tesla and he will tell you to leave. Ask him while you spin a chainsaw and the company will be yours in moments. ”
“We have it in mind that honey bees are important. And we are right. Being kind to bees is even more important than not throwing a plastic bottle in the ocean or not buying a Range Rover.
« . . . If [the honey bee] dies out, pretty soon you’ll be killing your neighbor for a half-eaten can of cat food and licking the moss in your basement to stay alive. ”
« Of course, the government has strong views about what you can and can’t do with water that flows through and gushes on your farm. You cannot reroute a watercourse more than a footpath. And while you are allowed to use a little water for irrigation, the amount is strictly controlled.
« You also need permission from a man in a Vauxhall – all government officials have Vauxhalls – if you want to switch banks, dredge, build a culvert, change berths, build a dam, build a weir, or take a fish park a boat. Farmer Clarkson, 19th. July
« I will never buy an electric car. You can get as much roar as you want, like covering your million miles between charges and getting out of the back end like nothing but baby hedgehogs, but if you put your foot in a carbohydrate-fed straight-six and so long on the hood lifts up slightly. You know what’s missing in your motorized vacuum cleaner. The soundtrack. And when you lift your foot back up and get all those little crackles and pops, it does things to your hair.
“You can only achieve something similar with your Tesla or Taycan if you put your tongue on the battery terminal. ”Eagle Lightweight GT Review, Jan.. July
“I recently decided that my sheep are like woolly teenagers. They take absurd risks and feign a lack of interest in anything while being intentionally obstructive, persistent, rude, and prone to overt vandalism. I understand that. Between the ages of 15 and 17, I couldn’t walk past a fire extinguisher without triggering it. It’s a very sheep-like thing. ”
“You’d think that a BMW 3. 0 CSL drives like a modern BMW M8. It is not so. It drives like your ride-on mower. If you can get it up to any speed, you will find that it will take several years to slow down again. And when you get to a corner, if you pay attention, you’ll find that your own taillights will overtake you. ”
« It has been said that farmers need to diversify in order to make ends meet, and I have: Later on, I’ll be the first in a new series of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? ». ”
« The farmer doesn’t care what you think of his shoes. That’s why he wears large plastic boots with metal caps. He wears overalls that make him look fat. He cuts his hair by dipping it in his combine harvester annually, and he continues to wear an oily tie he found 15 years ago that holds the leaf springs together on his trailer. ”
« It’s a nice idea. All Chanel and headscarves and stop at the Hotel Villa d’Este. But nobody does it anymore. Now, if you want to head to Lake Como, charter a jet and then pick up an Italian Herbert in a Mercedes S-Class to pick you up at the General Aviation Terminal. ”
« There’s no getting around the front wheels twisting back and forth when opening the taps in a powerful front-wheel drive car, causing what is known as torque control. Sometimes it’s annoying. Sometimes it’s alarming. And sometimes you have no idea what it is because you shot head first into a tree and now you’re dead. Mini John Cooper Works GP Review, Nov.. October
« So, to my mind, most of the time farming would mean leaning against a gate while thoughtfully munching a delicious Dagwood Bumstead sandwich, or enjoying a late summer sundowner behind the wheel of an air-conditioned tractor. It would all be a feast of crusty bread, lemonade, fresh air and cider with Rosie. Followed by a happy harvest festival and a big fat check from the EU.
« I have learned, however, that everything is backbreaking and difficult, that there is never time for a tiller in the sunshine, that my tractor has no cup holder for sundowners or anything else, and that it is a farmer. You must be an agronomist, be a meteorologist, mechanic, veterinarian, entrepreneur, gamer, workaholic, politician, shooter, midwife, tractor driver, tree surgeon, and insomniac. Farmer Clarkson, 24. October
“A fridge-freezer is not burned, which is why you haven’t given it a name. There are no magazines called What Fridge Freezer? or Performance Fridge Freezer. It’s not sad when you have to throw away your freezer fridge and buy a new one. You don’t talk to friends in the pub about the latest innovations in the world of fridges and freezers, and on a Sunday morning no one meets to remember yesterday’s classic fridges and freezers. ”
« On a normal street, you can’t keep your foot on first, second, or third street for more than a second because you’re trying to fly a jet fighter through a mall. « . And that means that you will put up with all the inconveniences and shortcomings of this racing car layout and then you will not be able to enjoy or even use the supercar’s raison d’etre. His power.
« When you arrive at someone in a bright orange, 8-foot wide, mid-engine two-seater, it is assumed they are being visited by an eight-year-old Saudi Arabian who has been driving all night around Harrods. ”
“I was in my rather expensive pub when such a family sat down for lunch. And immediately they were unhappy because one of the products on offer was wild Scottish langoustine with burnt lime. Neither of them could understand why you would want to eat something that was burned. Or why the owner wants to advertise his chef’s incompetence on the menu.
« […] When the food arrived, they were still angry because the steak was still bleeding, the chunky fries were nothing more than the » real « fries they got from McDonald’s, and there were leaves on the plate. Actual bloody leaves.
« Finally the father exploded. He shouted a lot, declared that he wouldn’t even pay his reduced share of the cost, and drove off so briskly that I half expected the ladders to fall from the roof of his Vauxhall. Farmer Clarkson, 15. November
“The Audi Q5. The BMW X3. The Lexus UX. The Porsche Cayenne. I pretty much hate them all. They are just limousines in platform shoes, senselessly large, senselessly heavy and, more often than not, endowed with senseless off-road capabilities that are never used.
« To the world of automobiles, they are what those 19 pounds are. 99 garden pants advertised on the back of The Daily Telegraph belong to the fashion world. Or what a gas station pork pie is for the world of cuisine. Mercedes-AMG GLE review, 23. November
« It was designed to look like the old defense attorney by the company’s chief stylist Gerry McGovern, and I can’t understand why. When Apple designed its phone, it didn’t say, « It has to be red and 8 feet tall, it has to smell like urine, and it has to be full of female phone numbers. It went ahead and did something else. ”
« Even if you know where all the fixed cameras are, if you come around a cul-de-sac, you can’t be sure that no officer is on the other side. A van watches YouPorn while its camera picks up the money faster as a charity telethon. ”
« None of the people who read left-wing newspapers understand that: some farmers have Range Rovers and spend half a year spraying their subsidy checks into Val d’Isère cheese fondues, but the vast majority have to hold up their pants with balers and burn their children at night to keep warm. ”
Jeremy Clarkson, James May
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